Love is not entitled (poem)

02.14.24 [1:07am]

I wanted to be friends
because I knew we weren’t ready.
With your broad back before me
You said, “I have no chance with you”

You exude a warm glow with your presence.
You make me comfortable.
No, I didn’t shiver from your touch
But I knew I was safe by your side.

“Yes, you have a chance” I said in reply
But your back was like a shield
That blocked my hopeful words.
I felt like the only way through was to say “I like you too”

I said I wouldn’t confess
But your smile was worth the compromise.

I said I wouldn’t say “I love you” 
’cause that’s not what friends do
But it wouldn’t hurt if it were true,
Would it? 

I wanted to protect you.

As I got to know you better,
I learned your true name. 
You had three:
Kindness, gentleness and love. 

But your last name was different.
It shone brighter.
Sealed and signed was the name:
Christian.

Saved, redeemed, a new creation.

Yet your eyes reflect a wounded soul
Your shoulders crouch, 
your head hung low and
Your lips carry the weight of your sorrows

I thought your nature was weak 
And in your desire to help others
You set yourself aside
I thought you were foolish for doing so.

Little did I know, you embodied love.
Your spirit is most willing…

I believed the lie that I was entitled to
a perfect man. 
That you had to tick all the boxes in my list.
Well, no such man exists.

I sought for “ideal” before commitment.

But love demanded otherwise.
It required commitment in spite of imperfections.
It insists your highest good and considers your feelings first before mine.
Love is not all about happiness, if at all. 
But instead, happiness is the fruit of its hard work.

Love always trusts, always hopes,
and always perseveres.

I thought if I surrendered to God’s will 
that it meant letting go of my expectations.
I was wrong.
Expecting God to work and being fully confident that He would answer
Is an essential part of faith. 

Especially, if I prayed according to his will.

I prayed that you’d be closer to Christ. 
It didn’t cross my mind that your burdens were the catalyst.
I prayed for your joy, your peace, and your growth. 
But I was impatient

I was impatient over your struggles
Misunderstanding of your nature
Critical of your weaknesses
Inconsiderate of your feelings.
I only thought of my own.
My compromises, my sacrifices.

Me.

Truly, you love me.
And I took it for granted.
Yet you continue to admire me,
To seek me,
To love all of me.

Is this how Gomer felt?

I prayed that you’d be fully loved, as you deserve.
That I’d be the person who could beat your love
as we outperform each other.

My problem was pride.
I couldn’t fully love you
without denying myself of
being “right” with “good intentions”.

I used to think I was ahead of you.
Like the girl in my dream riding on a jeep.
But you were far beyond me,
Running with your bare feet. 

In your dream, I was ramming the gas pedal
And I stole your wheel.
But eventually, you found a way to gain control
Now, you’re driving.

And I will sit and watch.

So what do I really want?
It is you that I prayed for.
I’m sorry it took so long before
I actually took God’s word for it.

But here we are,
and I hurt you (again).

This time, I know the wound will take longer to heal.
Take all the time you need, my love.
And I shall wait on the Lord (and study 1 Cor 13).

– Mary Dannelle