Love is not entitled (poem)

02.14.24 [1:07am]

I wanted to be friends
because I knew we weren’t ready.
With your broad back before me
You said, “I have no chance with you”

You exude a warm glow with your presence.
You make me comfortable.
No, I didn’t shiver from your touch
But I knew I was safe by your side.

“Yes, you have a chance” I said in reply
But your back was like a shield
That blocked my hopeful words.
I felt like the only way through was to say “I like you too”

I said I wouldn’t confess
But your smile was worth the compromise.

I said I wouldn’t say “I love you” 
’cause that’s not what friends do
But it wouldn’t hurt if it were true,
Would it? 

I wanted to protect you.

As I got to know you better,
I learned your true name. 
You had three:
Kindness, gentleness and love. 

But your last name was different.
It shone brighter.
Sealed and signed was the name:
Christian.

Saved, redeemed, a new creation.

Yet your eyes reflect a wounded soul
Your shoulders crouch, 
your head hung low and
Your lips carry the weight of your sorrows

I thought your nature was weak 
And in your desire to help others
You set yourself aside
I thought you were foolish for doing so.

Little did I know, you embodied love.
Your spirit is most willing…

I believed the lie that I was entitled to
a perfect man. 
That you had to tick all the boxes in my list.
Well, no such man exists.

I sought for “ideal” before commitment.

But love demanded otherwise.
It required commitment in spite of imperfections.
It insists your highest good and considers your feelings first before mine.
Love is not all about happiness, if at all. 
But instead, happiness is the fruit of its hard work.

Love always trusts, always hopes,
and always perseveres.

I thought if I surrendered to God’s will 
that it meant letting go of my expectations.
I was wrong.
Expecting God to work and being fully confident that He would answer
Is an essential part of faith. 

Especially, if I prayed according to his will.

I prayed that you’d be closer to Christ. 
It didn’t cross my mind that your burdens were the catalyst.
I prayed for your joy, your peace, and your growth. 
But I was impatient

I was impatient over your struggles
Misunderstanding of your nature
Critical of your weaknesses
Inconsiderate of your feelings.
I only thought of my own.
My compromises, my sacrifices.

Me.

Truly, you love me.
And I took it for granted.
Yet you continue to admire me,
To seek me,
To love all of me.

Is this how Gomer felt?

I prayed that you’d be fully loved, as you deserve.
That I’d be the person who could beat your love
as we outperform each other.

My problem was pride.
I couldn’t fully love you
without denying myself of
being “right” with “good intentions”.

I used to think I was ahead of you.
Like the girl in my dream riding on a jeep.
But you were far beyond me,
Running with your bare feet. 

In your dream, I was ramming the gas pedal
And I stole your wheel.
But eventually, you found a way to gain control
Now, you’re driving.

And I will sit and watch.

So what do I really want?
It is you that I prayed for.
I’m sorry it took so long before
I actually took God’s word for it.

But here we are,
and I hurt you (again).

This time, I know the wound will take longer to heal.
Take all the time you need, my love.
And I shall wait on the Lord (and study 1 Cor 13).

– Mary Dannelle

Against the sentiment-tide.

It’s a bad habit of mine to dwell in sentiments. Pain demands to be felt, they say. Of course, I’ve got to let them out. But I want to start this blog afresh. I’ve basked in sad thoughts for far too long. It’s time to go against the tide of my emotions. Toxic positivity? No, the truth sets you free. So here it goes…

My child, 
You are not without a plan or without wisdom. 
You've asked for her and you've sought My will,
and you know 
                 you have 
                         what you've asked for (James 1:5-7).

I know all your ways, your thoughts, 
your innermost desires (Psalm 119). 
I know your past, your present, 
and your future. 

I know how you seek perfection and order, 
just like I do (Matt 5:48),
and how much you desire to be strong and steadfast, 
just like my Son.

In time, you will have these things
but for now, be still 
                                and know 
                                        that I am God (Psalm 46:10).

Before you were born, I knew you, 
and I predestined you to be Mine (Jer 1:5).
I saw your unformed body and I knew...
I knew who you were, who you are,
and who you will become.

I made you, called you and saved you.
You were formed for My good works, for My good purpose 
which I prepared in advance for you to do (Rom 8:28-30).

So do not fret, my child,
do not worry about tomorrow (Matt 6:34)
or if your days will count,
or if your life will have meaning...

in Me, it does.
So remain in Me.
 (John 15:5-8)


-Mary Dannelle

This song helped my soul cry out and surrender to God

I cried over dresses.

[11:51 PM]

I cried over dresses.
Just had to confess it.
I felt like I lost a day.

The Lord told me,
“Don’t fret over clothes
and garments”

But I stressed over them anyway.

I kept thinking of how
people see me and how
I’m so picky, ungrateful,
and such…

But little do they know
I don’t choose on my own
Yeah, my mom calls the shots
very much.

And yes, I get it.
My graduation’s important
and my mom wants what’s
best for me.

I guess I’m just disappointed
instead of being productive,
I got tired stressing over
the least.

And the least I should be worried about
is how I look, what to wear and what
other people think

Because the Lord clothes the lilies
that wither fairly quickly
so will the Lord clothe my frail
and blemished skin.

Written by: the Practicing Saint

i’m tired of myself. a poem.

Friday, February 12, 2021 11:22 AM

I’m tired of myself (always blaming others).
I’m tired of myself (always so easily upset).
I’m tired ’cause it takes time for me to cool down,
and I hurt others in the process.
I’m tired of wanting the world to revolve around me,
to give me space, to give me time, to excuse my attitude.
All these things I seek: justice, understanding, patience.
But these things I can never really have
in the package I want them to come in;
Unflawed and perfect, just the way I like it.
and these things I could never really give
Unflawed and perfect, as I had imagined.

And so God molds me with a chisel and mallet
on my clay body that has hardened,
on my delicate heart that longs to be callous.
and it hurts to be hammered, even gently.
Yet I seek Him still
’cause if I stayed this way
I’ll never learn to forgive,
I’ll never learn to let go,
I’ll never learn to give
the things I seek out the most;
I’ll never learn to be meek
when I long to defend my own selfish pride.
I’ll never learn to understand
the anger and emotions when love was implied.

And as I hold on to my bouquet of reasons
Picking up dying flowers of upset feelings
God I look to you to mold me new hands
That is willing to let go;
A new heart that is ready to forgive,
A new mind, obliged to understand;
New ears inclined to listen
And new eyes, fixed on You, my loving Creator.

Help me love the girl in the mirror,
despite her mistakes and corrupted nature,
she’s still the work of your hands,
a part of your creation.

-Mary Dannelle

Finding Gratefulness || Journal Log

Today, I feel… empty, anxious to do something of importance, cabin-fever, and a mix of all other frustrations. I’m done with most of the things I needed to do. Ticked things off my check-list, and now I’m free… free to do nothing. How boring. I realized that God had helped me so much this week and I’m supposed to be happy that I survived the first week of school, and finished my tasks.

Talking this over Shayne, I realized I keep thinking I need to do things, that I’m missing something- and I am. I’m missing gratefulness, contentment and awe. I’m missing to praise God for the good things He had done for me this week. I found so much joy in that realization, because I know I’m now free of my dilemma of “nothingness”. Because now, I know I’m actually full because I have the Lord and He had saved me, helped me, and is guiding me all throughout. Thank you Jesus! Time to celebrate with cheese cake teehee!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Mary (@mary.dannelle)

“Escape” Watercolor Painting

I posted this a day before school and I had no drive to work or do anything. Here I am at the end of the week, with all tasks done and I feel… empty? Hahaha Oh Lord, thank you for being ever so patient with your hard-to-please daughter. Forgive me for not seeing your grace.

Thank you for the gratefulness and joy I feel now!

You make burdens light || a poem

Despite the imperfections and misunderstandings, there’s that friend who makes burdens a lot lighter.

This poem is dedicated to that friend.

---

Oct 31, 2020 [9:35PM-10:01PM, Dubai]

You make burdens light.
You look straight into my eyes
You tell me, “It’s alright.”
and I believe you.

You make waiting easy
though it never really is.
You make discomfort breezy.
You bring the spunk out of “what ifs”

Did I say “you make burdens light“, did I?
Well let me say it again.
May I say it twice?

‘Cause whenever I worry
that I can never satisfy
that I’m sometimes indifferent
often missing the bulls eye

Would you cry?

But you smile instead
with understanding eyes.
Though I can’t see those beautiful eyes.
Only feel them through your typewritten words.

I cry.

But not from sadness, no.
I cry from relief.
‘Cause the pressure in my shaken can
you finally put to ease.

You opened up the valve
and let truth take its seat.
You took me for who I am
and never let me feel defeat.

And even after seeing…
and even after hearing…
and all that I was showing…
the me you were finally knowing…

You can’t stop yourself from pouring out.
You can’t help but keep expressing
all your love and gratefulness
you never did repress it.

And finally I understood
what Jesus had been saying,
“take my yoke and learn from me
for my burden isn’t heavy.“

I felt grace in the discomfort.
I see love in the ugliness.
I hear joy in the truth.
I see Jesus in you.

Let me say it again,
you make burdens light.
I pray I make it lighter
for you too.

– Mary Dannelle

first time trying oil crayon

oil crayon trials (10/22/20, 1:00AM)

I was inspired to do art again by the great Akiane Kramarik. The child prodigy who painted her vision of Jesus at the age of 8. Her most famous painting known as, “The Prince of Peace”.

Since I had to acrylic or oil paints, or water color paper to start painting. I decided to work with what I’ve got. And I remembered my sister stocking the oil crayons at the back of the book shelf. Browsed for a Youtube video. And started trying it out.

No particular shape or form. Just trying it out. And I had fun with it!

His video helped me out

I used BlackBean’s tutorial on the eyes for reference. Then tried to add his techniques as I colored the nose. I realized, I had no good foundation on blending colors. Plus no knowledge on geometric shapes, anatomy, etc. But! I’m not going to delve onto those bits for awhile. And I don’t know if I ever will.

Goal #1: Enjoy the process

Mary dannelle, 2020

Here I go again, trying out something new but never really mastering it. I did a blog post about my frustrations about wanting to do many things. The jack of all trades, but master of none…

best try them all rather than sticking to one!

productive daydreams || poem.

[11:50pm – 12:05am]

03/24/20 re-written

When the work is done

what do I look forward to?

Ah, perhaps watch a movie

or maybe read a book or two.

Take the time to breathe

With my eyes closed ever so slightly too.

Muse on love

A love so sweet and so true

At the end of the day

What did I produce?

I’ve built a future in my mind

one with me next to you.

I tried Fiverr!

This is completely random and beyond my comfort zone. But I was surfing the net on ways to earn money while in lock down and stumbled upon a Youtube video where this girl mentioned using Fiverr. So I gave it a try. Signed up for Fiverr and put a gig. I didn’t think anybody would order (even just for 5$), so I didn’t really check my email.

To my surprise, someone ordered 3 days ago! And I had four days left to complete my delivery. Man, was I streeeeeessed. I didn’t expect it to be so hard! When I would compose my own music and write songs for school, it came so naturally for me. Working for someone and trying to make the best of their work and compositions was a new challenge.

I understand now why people pay such a high price for art and music. Good music is not all talent, it is hard. work. mehn.

If you need help to compose lyrics and/or melodies, or be a lead vocal on your music track… check out my gig on fiverr and send me a message! lyrics, melody and lead vocals all for 5$

If the Internet shut off for a day…

[11:06 – 11:27 AM] A poem.

If the internet shut off for a day
What a great day that would be!

Then I’d have no choice but to
enjoy my inner introvert,
and have a good excuse
not to talk to anybody.

To let boredom take its toll
and rewire my brain to create
instead of the constant need
to consume, consume, consume!

People are intelligent.
But when bestowed with many options
We’re carnal beasts!
We crave more than we need.

I’m guilty as charged.
That’s why, if the internet shut off
even for just one day?
Ahh, what rest that would be…

We always have the need to know:
(famous google searches)
How to make dalgona coffee
How to pronounce heist
How to sleep!

Man, just close your eyes!
The internet will excite
our mind’s cravings
to know more than we ought.

Solomon, the wisest man on earth,
tells man to, “take it easy.
There’s no end to knowledge
and constant studying will burn us out.

We all have the same end.
Therefore, fear God.
Do what He tells you.
And that’s it!”

Make the day count.
Take time to think and reflect.
Will you make the most out of life
Or spend your days stuck in the (inter)net(flix)?

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

13 But regarding anything beyond this, dear friend, go easy. There’s no end to the publishing of books, and constant study wears you out so you’re no good for anything else. The last and final word is this:

Fear God.
Do what he tells you.

14 And that’s it. Eventually God will bring everything that we do out into the open and judge it according to its hidden intent, whether it’s good or evil.