Yesterday, I asked my sister… “what color do I look like?”
Someone said, I looked like a yellow. Another said I was red, a color of passion. But the answer that struck me the most was my sister’s. She said I was green.
I must be her favorite person then! ‘Cause green is her favorite color.
Why?, I asked.
Because you are raw. You are real.
Recently, my sister and I have been talking about our regrets and mistakes. How it’s so easy to rationalize and justify your intentions, and yet, miss out on realizing how truly wrong you are.
We saw our humanity. And I guess, my sister saw that in me too. A flawed, imperfect person. My vulnerability. All of me, exposed. And yet, loved deeply, blessed, cherished and valued.
Such is the grace of God. To see all my colors and love me still.
Every morning, my mind goes through a struggle of anxiously planning the day and my mind copes from that anxiety by day dreaming- it’s just a mess. So I lay in bed for awhile until I feel “awake” enough to stand. Then I go wash my face as a little push towards the day.
I came across a book on my parent’s desk entitled, “10 Things I Want My Daughter to Know”. As a curious book worm, I dove right into it. The writing style of Annie Chapman really helped me enjoy the gentle counsel. I related to a lot of what was written. It really helped me set my mind on better, more important matters. I love hearing the stories of other people’s experiences and how they go through it. A good counseling book is like having a convenient mentor by your side.
What struck me the most in this book was,
Don’t let anything you can change limit your life
Annie Chapman, 10 Things I Want My Daughter to Know p.25
If I can lessen my stress by resting more, exercising and eating healthy, If I can let go of resentment by forgiving, If I can overcome my moping and sulking by choosing to accept what is, If I can pray when I cannot push myself to do the things above…
Then I should not let exhaustion, anxiety and upset feelings ruin my life.
There are many things in this world that I can’t change i.e., other people, my feelings, the past, etc. But I can decide how to respond and handle all that life throws at me. I could choose to fight for joy, live healthy, and seek God one step at a time or I could let everything crash down on me and stay under the weight of lies.
Thank You, Lord, for your truth. It sets me free from the urge to focus on myself and how easily tired I get. Thank You because I am enlightened and determined once again.
Today, I feel… empty, anxious to do something of importance, cabin-fever, and a mix of all other frustrations. I’m done with most of the things I needed to do. Ticked things off my check-list, and now I’m free… free to do nothing. How boring. I realized that God had helped me so much this week and I’m supposed to be happy that I survived the first week of school, and finished my tasks.
Talking this over Shayne, I realized I keep thinking I need to do things, that I’m missing something- and I am. I’m missing gratefulness, contentment and awe. I’m missing to praise God for the good things He had done for me this week. I found so much joy in that realization, because I know I’m now free of my dilemma of “nothingness”. Because now, I know I’m actually full because I have the Lord and He had saved me, helped me, and is guiding me all throughout. Thank you Jesus! Time to celebrate with cheese cake teehee!
I posted this a day before school and I had no drive to work or do anything. Here I am at the end of the week, with all tasks done and I feel… empty? Hahaha Oh Lord, thank you for being ever so patient with your hard-to-please daughter. Forgive me for not seeing your grace.
Thank you for the gratefulness and joy I feel now!
A quiet place, that’s what I long for. Quietness and peace, away from the stormy, raging thoughts of mine. I keep longing to be, but never being. It’d be nice to be myself and be selfish- truly. I am naturally selfish but not without worry.
I don’t want to hear the opinions of many… perhaps only of one.
Can’t I run away with you, Lord? Enjoy leisure, peace and quietness without condemning myself of being far from you? without fearing my lack of love, but just be, until it flourishes on its own again?
I am stuck. And if I open up to anyone, they’d just flood me with more thoughts. Opinions. I could only hope I get good ones.
Even in my diary, I feel the need to explain myself. Defensive, even to my own conscience.
I just hope someone would understand without having me explain further.
Enjoying hot noodles and a cup of tea as Bubba and I talk hand in hand about our thoughts on art, discipline, passion and subtle peer pressures. Never minding the time.
Laying in bed with Bub, mommy, daddy and I all huddled up together. Enjoying the evening. Leaving tomorrow to worry about itself.
How precious life must be in Heaven… to be with our Savior. Savoring every moment and never minding tomorrow, death or the end of things.
Days like today remind me of that reality. And though I wish to enjoy life as if I had forever… I’m here on Earth, with a mission to accomplish. So yes, live life like you’re dying. There is no hope in tomorrow, only in Jesus.
Thank you Lord for a glimpse of Heaven ^_^ eternally grateful.
I cried this morning. Why? Simply because my mom reminded me that I shouldn’t act like a child anymore. She said it in a gentle voice, but it affected me quite a bit. I remember, as a kid, I was told off as immature. Even kids my age would say I act like a child.
I could never forget that old classmate of mine, let’s call her Nicky. I still remember how she leaned on the stairway railings, her hands dangling as she looked down on me with a stern face, “ang immature mo” (you’re so immature), she scolded.
Time has passed and I’m on my way to becoming a Dentist. The worry of struggling to gain my family, relatives, and church mates’ trust and respect never fails to cross my mind. To them, I’m still a crybaby. A child.
Will I ever learn how to act professionally? Will I ever be as sophisticated as Doc Rose is, or any other Doctor for that matter?
Dad gave me a warm hug, “you’re okay, Darling. You’re at home, it’s okay to act that way. It’s a good thing you have your mommy to remind you to be mature. Let this be your practice.”, he said in a gentle and calm voice. Oh daddy, what can I do without you?
Yes, I struggle with my emotions at times. I get sensitive about a lot of things. Little problems, small moments of joy make me cry. I love acting like a child to my family, snuggling up to them like a little baby. I love baby talking and playing and staying in awe at the littlest of things, as if I were seeing them for the first time!
I’ll be a Doctor someday, and a professional at that! I’ll learn to be mature. I have people around me who are stern yet loving. They gently correct me when I make mistakes, and even if it weren’t gentle, I know they say it out of love.
I’ll take their corrections. I might cry, but I’ll suck it up knowing that I’ll grow from it. Call me a crybaby,
…
You’re right hahaha!
Listen to advice and accept discipline,
and at the end you will be counted among the wise.
You know when you’re utterly desperate for answers, you go through every contact you’ve got for it? or is it just me? Probably.
I’m going to be open… my mental health? Not so pretty. But I’ve got really supportive people around me, ones filled with love and wisdom. Most of all, I’ve got God who guides my thoughts. I want to go crazy so I’d have an excuse for all my emotional outbursts, but I find that I am still sane. I find that I still have means of self-control.
So I’ve asked guidance from a counselor in my school. What did I expect? the common, secular advice. Love yourself first blah blah. And basically, that’s what I got. Isn’t that what many people say anyway?
In my mind, well, how do I do that? how do you balance loving yourself and loving others? What does the bible have to say about loving yourself?
The advice on “loving yourself” is just too… vague. How do you love yourself? ‘Cause I know that there are those who love themselves and put themselves first, and come off as selfish and self-absorbed.
I understand that one must know how to value and take care of themselves. It’s the same when an emergency crash landing happens on an airplane, and people are advised to put on the oxygen masks on themselves first before helping their children or others.
But there’s just something off and lacking with the advice, “love yourself first”. Don’t you think? Or do I just not understand? Is it hard for me to comprehend because I do not love myself? (but I already love myself too much!)
Then again, maybe I haven’t gotten the solution I need because I’m too skeptical of the advices given to me. So I decided to give the counselor a chance.
“and how do I do that po?” I asked her, in reply to her “love yourself first” advice.
She replied,“Listen to your heart. What does it need? Listen to your mind, how can you have peace of mind?”
That’s exactly why I came to you for help! My thoughts exclaimed.
“That’s why I came here po… because my mind is clouded with what I should do. My heart doesn’t always know what is right. If my heart was selfish and unconcerned, I would just do what I think is best for myself, and not for the other person.”
“Moment of silence will help you understand what you are going through. Let go of whatever you are feeling right now… It’s one way of healing your inner wounds.”
Okay… okay. I’ll take her advice. I don’t think it’s the best advice for a person who struggles with a clouded mind and finds it hard to control their thoughts. But for me? perhaps I can. It doesn’t hurt to try. I’ll have my own quiet time. I find God’s word most reliable above all. Yet, I struggle with believing. I’m glad my dad is a great listener and encourager. Praise God for the wisdom given to me through him.
I’ve decided to take the counselor’s advice. My heart says… find out what God says about relationships. What does God say about loving yourself? How do I balance loving myself and caring for others? Aaand search on google how to deal with outbursts. Pray on what I’ve learned. Meditate on it. Then rest and enjoy the present moments, knowing that God has answered my prayers and he will guide me with everything under the sun.
If your mind is clouded and anxious, what do you do to deal with it? Feel free to share!
Today, I’ve experienced what C.S Lewis said, quote,
The quality common to the three experiences… is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction.
C.S. Lewis
[5:30am]
Succumbing to a busy mind, I feel that i thirst for God. If I stay this way any longer, for sure, sin is quick to pounce at me. I must stay- yes, cleave, to the Vine.
I realize I am slowly drifting away because the busyness of life and the need for “rest” is slowly taking the time I need with my True Rest.
I am sorry, Lord.
I’ve been quenching your Holy Spirit. I relied on myself and i barely took the time to kneel down before you to consult you or praise you (as written in Romans 15:13). I’ve been trying to do good, but on my own might (unlike Colossians 1:11, 29; 2 Thessalonians 1:11). I’m sorry.
I haven’t been sitting at your feet and meditating on your words and goodness. I haven’t been sharing my sufferings with you… they’ve been stifled by clouded thoughts that I keep to myself. Forgive me.
Whenever I feel the need to sing to you, to cry to you, or to stay still before you… I choose to prioritize other things. I am sorry, Father.
So here I am, finding it hard to sleep because of the void and emptiness that urges me to seek you. I am thirsty for you, Lord.
[6:25am]
our quiet place
I sang. God had put a song in my heart. Holy Spirit you are welcome here~ it sang. Also, he let me understand what it meant to be satisfied and to find joy in my desire for more of Him.
The knowledge that he is near, that he is with me. Yet, there is more of him I long to know.
The knowledge that he seeks for anyone that would understand. He seeks for true worshippers that seek his face (Psalm 53:2; 2 Chronicles 16:9; John 4:23). Not that he needs mere people to understand him, yet it is to his great glory and joy. It is for his own sake. I am amazed by this understanding, and I praise God for it!
DEVOTION: Psalm 73
Notes:
v. 13-17 God revealed to me what I felt in my heart. Envy left overlooked. I apologized to God for envying his child for the success he has given.
v. 21-24 I remembered, he is with me and that in itself is blessings and abundance! I felt foolish for being ignorant and for not seeing that.
v. 28 It is good to be near God. He is my refuge.
Thank you Lord that in this quiet time between you and I, you poured as much of yourself as my human heart and mind could grasp.
I find you in our secret place. In love and in grace.
The world goes on and it offers overwhelming worries and pain… but here you are. Ever faithful. You burden… oh how light! (Matt. 11:28-23) I understand now…
• School work that I cant finish in the day
• Too many questions asked, tasks i'm asked to do while i'm busy trying to accomplish my school works
• Too much tasks to do that I cant enjoy studying
• Not being able to focus on my studying and enjoy it because of stress
• Not learning anything because of tasks I want to get done quickly
• Other people na minamadali ako
• The evenings that mean "it's the end of the day". And I havent gotten anything completely done.
I brought all that to the Lord (as per guided meditation on youtube), and I was healed. Specifically in the part where the speaker said “when we embrace our anxiety instead of running from it, we grow closer to understanding the assurance that God came to set the captives free.” I cried from both repentance and joy.
I have God, my present help, and I can put my full trust and faith in him! Thank you Lord! And in that moment, I experienced his great faithfulness, love and grace. I’ve always been experiencing it but it was at that moment that I realized it, that it was magnified, that Philippians 4:6-9 was brought to life. God worked through his word, through my prayer. And he led me to pray what Jay had requested me to pray. I even prayed for more people than I would usually pray for everyday (which is, honestly, not so many).
As I came to God in prayer, I had joy. I realized… God wanted me to pray because he so wants to give, he wants to pour out his blessings and answer our prayers for his name’s same. To give us true joy and gifts and blessing is his glory! Wow… and I had been missing out on this because I limited God to religion and good works, to an obligation. But God is love. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him. Praise the Lord! He is present. He is with me.
No struggle, no worry, no failure is worth the anxiety and stress, because my God overcame them all. I am with Him and He with me. There is no true failure in the Lord, as long as I follow him.
I do not usually listen to Meditation videos, but tonight was different. I guess, embracing anxiety and accepting it for what it is, is what drove me to seek help- and to find that there is present help available. One that has the power to heal and grant peace…Jesus Christ. Thanks Lord Sobrang bait niyo po.
I’m used to spending a lot of time by myself at the dorm. I get to manage my work efficiently. Do my daily routine without anyone demanding my time.
Then COVID-19 came…
I actually love it that I’m now back home with my relatives. Currently, we’re a total of ten at home. My two little cousins come to my room often and I get to play and act like a kid around them. It’s a great way to pass time. But it has really inconvenienced me in terms of my daily routine and personal time, that is, when they would stay over from morning ’til late in the evening. (*whispers* but in reality, I’m just not good at managing my time, so when they do come… I’m stressing out over the goals that I still haven’t accomplished for the day)
In the Bible, God reminds us to expect trials and inconveniences. Though JV comes up to my room to intentionally annoy me, God used them to help me grow and to share his goodness. I would read the Bible out loud whenever they come in during my devotion time. I’ve decided not to miss out on exercising, so I would work out in front of them and we would do challenges to see who’s more flexible. (I didn’t want to work out in front of them ’cause I’d be all sweaty and ugly, but kids are all about fun not your appearance… well, sometimes your appearance too). I would talk about God ’til they get all awkward and leave my room xD haha In Daniel 1.. it shows how Daniel and his friends faced the “new norm” in their lives.
v8 Daniel made up his mind that he would not defile himself with the king’s choice food or with the wine which he drank…
What are some changes that had happened in your daily life or routine since COVID-19? What changes can we make to keep our integrity and faithfulness to God, like Daniel?
1 Corinthians 10:31, “Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (NASB)
Sobrang bait niyo po.
Mary for Christ 