Manhid Daw Ako

Manhid daw ako. Oblivious. Dense. Not in romantic terms (akala niyo ah!), but to problems, situations and to sudden change of mood. All of a sudden, may problema na pala yung isa kong kaibigan and I never knew. I always thought that I was the sensitive type, noticing people’s struggles and their discomfort. Turns out, sensitive lang pala ako, hindi attentive. Or probably, in different circumstances, I do notice certain “stuffs” but choose not to acknowledge it. What S. called “ignorance” and what my other friends call “happy-go-lucky.”

I don’t know what to think about this newly found revelation of my dense-ity-ness, perhaps I need to take this positively and challenge myself to be more attentive to other people’s feelings.

I tried reasoning with S. about my (now supposedly nonexistent) instinct to notice others anxiety, discomfort and emotions. She thinks otherwise. So, she may be true. Part of me begs to disagree, but maybe that’s just my pride saying I’m far too good to be ignorant.

GAH! I find this so offensive haha! Who wouldn’t? Well, I’ve got to lower my pride. One of the MANY things I need to improve aside from my insecurities, lack of focus (AKA lutang-ness), atbp. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. The pressure to improve. There’s so much to improve, I don’t know where to start! I want to develop my intellect- cause unfortunately, I’m quite slow. And now, I realized that I’m kind of insensitive. Plus the fact that I’m starting to sound insecure now. I need to work on that too. I mean, as a Christian, you need to have FAITH which is the confidence in the hope that you have in Jesus. Paano nila makikita yun kapag ikaw mismo, insecure sa sarili? Yes, I’m lecturing myself now. This is one of the perks of being a follower of Christ: you’ll start to develop a mind like His. (1 Cor. 2:16) It depends on you whether you will follow your conscience or take the other route. Knowing is easy, acting it out is another story.

Message to Self: You know what? calm down, Self. Ayan ka nanaman eh. Kaya ka naman nape-pressure dahil nagre-rely ka lang sa sarili mo. Take a deep breath, take your time and rely on God. You’ll just end up frustrated if you don’t. You’re trying too hard. Surrender mo yan kay Lord and trust that He will finish what he started in you.

Dedicated: To all who struggles with the same anxious thoughts as I do and to those who are simply curious of what’s going on inside my silly head. I hope you’ve learnt something, somehow.

Related image

Reading this post again and again makes me want to laugh at how worrisome I could get (I hope you found it amusing- not annoying), especially about “what the hay could be wrong with me?” 

Anyway, I was searching for some pictures related to ‘being oblivious’ so I could post it here. Nakakatamad kasi basahin ang isang post na walang picture, kaya. So I passed by this one (link to post.) It kind of reminded me of myself. Though in many ways, contradicting. Let me explain. I notice a lot of my own problems and I like involving myself in other people’s problems- cause I want to help. But then again, I purposefully make myself OBLIVIOUS or unaware to certain negative things to keep my emotions at bay. Perhaps that is why I seem so jolly to other people. Happy-go-lucky. Carefree. Because I intentionally avoid drama. I don’t know if I’d have it any other way. I like it when I’m hyper and cheerful. But I guess, I shouldn’t try to let that get in the way of being a caring friend.

Magulo ako. Alam ko. Hahaha sana maka-relate naman yung iba dyan! This is me in the making. Thank you for your effort in reading this lengthy post.

L.O.L (Lots of love),

God’s Got it Covered! || Dormitory Bible Study

Last week was our Bible study’s first monthsary! Praise God! I had the honors of sharing the word that day. But before that, I had to go through the burden of my anxious heart. Our midterm exams were being held on that very week and unfortunately for me, almost all our teachers forced to squish their subjects in a day. Talk about a tight schedule.

I told myself not to worry, I still had a week to prepare for the Bible study. “And you have just four days to study for your exams. Good luck with that.” my conscience retorted. Thank you for the support *eye roll* but even so, I placed my trust in God, reciting Philippians 4:13 in my head.

Surely enough, as I was reading my devotional that night, I felt a pang in my chest that this was the message I was to impart. Joy, awe and worry filled my little heart. I said to God, “Wow, that was quick! Thanks Lord!” and at the same time I thought “But how am I to deliver this message? This needs a lot of studying”  Time.. time. Precious time. I barely had time to even study for my exams! At this point, I was panicking inside. My heart felt worried but my mind told me to have faith. God’s got it all covered. So I let it go. But deep in my heart, I still held onto a teeny weeny bit of doubt.

Without much time left in my hands, I tried my best to manage it, being careful that I do things by the grace that God has given me and not by my own strength. I had to keep in mind that everything I did was for the Lord, and not for myself nor for anybody else. I wanted to be sure that I took the time to wait and listen well for God’s instructions, that I wouldn’t hurry everything up.

No matter how much I studied, there was always this thug in my heart telling me that I had to pray. Knowing that this feeling wouldn’t go away if I continued to ignore it, I prayed very fervently to God. I prayed that God would remove the burden in my heart and replace it with desire and passion to share His word. I also prayed that all my fears would go away, and that He’d guide and lead the things me. God reassured me with through His word and His promise that His holy spirit would speak through me (Matt. 10:20)

Four days had passed and it was time to take the exams. I don’t mean to boast, but everything was breezy! I answered the test papers with ease by the grace of God, my brothas! With that done, the Lord strengthened my faith. I finalized the message I was to impart, prayed and off I went to the Bible study with the feeling excitement and anxiousness (still) in my heart.

As I spoke, my voice and hands shook, and I was stuttering the words out- but one thing is certain… everything that came out of my mouth was from God. I couldn’t have said all those things much less speak.. But God had prepared me for this and He certainly fulfilled His promise. God removed the perfectionist in me and I spoke with passion.

Glory be to God!

Lotsa love! ❤