Plain Thoughts || PROM: A Night to Remember?

Wrote this on 2014, after my first (junior) prom. I was this extremely awkward teenager who avoided any social contact with boys as much as possible. Enjoy the memoirs of my prom experience PLUS feelings- no exaggerations.

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Imagine entering a place filled with ‘luxurious’ strangers who turned out to be your schoolmates and as you go inside, you’re suddenly part of the crowd… yet you aren’t. (In other words, I felt out of place.)

I looked around feeling nervous and self-conscious, all the excitement I felt awhile ago turned to anxiousness. Is this real life? Everything went about so quickly I couldn’t even think. Prom for me was like quick sand. You enter it and suddenly you’re part of it, but you’re not exactly part of it- you aren’t sand. (You’re the poor creature stuck in it! Sinking and wallowed by social regulations and the scary crowd.) As I spotted my friends I expected to be more calm and less worried about things, it worked I guess, it’s good to know that you’re not the only one feeling nervous; but that fact that I was surrounded by boys… was just scary. And you had to dance with them!

A lot happened but none of that really mattered. Just the music, my friends, and the next move. The first guy that asked me to dance was my senior partner. I was so nervous I kind of rejected him (pfft! I rejected him with silence. Period. I was that scared.) Then he asked again and I was actually about to dance with him; but my friends called out for me to sing with them. I was relieved. But as I recall the moment, I regret doing so. (Poor dude. At the dance practice, he was so kind to me and accepted the presence of my awkwardness. Uggh, and this was how I repaid him.)

So I sang, danced with a group of friends and two guys, one of which confessed to me (to which I responded with an awkward laugh and an awkward punch on the shoulder,) and the other who asked me these random questions about where I lived in the Philippines and what my bus number was. My cheeks hurt from smiling though all I really wanted to do was go home. I felt lost from the first time I came until it was time to go home start. In the end I saw the first guy who asked me to dance, sitting alone… thinking. I guess prom was definitely a night to remember. It just really depends on how you’ve spent it and whom you’ve spent it with.

… and I wasted every moment! I find this hilarious though and yet I still shudder just thinking about it. I’ve changed a lot and learned a ton about “communicating.” I ignore my desire to be aloof and try to enjoy this scary world which requires you to talk to scary people.  Okay. Perspective. Weirdly beautiful, scary world with oddly awesome, scary people.

My senior partner was the first guy I actually had to talk to in highschool. And he was very very friendly and kind to me. Despite my snobbish replies and half-hearted smiles, he still made every effort to talk to me. I regret not being able to show how grateful I am now for his “contribution” to my life. Haha! Thank you Friday! You know who you are.

Boys are no longer scary. But my dad still refuses to speak about them. Not yet ready hahaha! Love you dad. I’ll still be your little princess 😉

By the way, the pictures posted were taken from my senior year prom. Not as scary as my junior prom, in fact, it was quite fun! There are still moments which make me cringe when I recall it, but it’s been the awesome so far. Since it was the last, I decided to muster up the courage to let loose and enjoy- which is something I should’ve done a long time ago.

A glitter of advice, take every opportunity and let yourself bloom. Don’t wait until you leave the country to change your identity. Be the change you want to see. Do something.

God speed!

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Manhid Daw Ako

Manhid daw ako. Oblivious. Dense. Not in romantic terms (akala niyo ah!), but to problems, situations and to sudden change of mood. All of a sudden, may problema na pala yung isa kong kaibigan and I never knew. I always thought that I was the sensitive type, noticing people’s struggles and their discomfort. Turns out, sensitive lang pala ako, hindi attentive. Or probably, in different circumstances, I do notice certain “stuffs” but choose not to acknowledge it. What S. called “ignorance” and what my other friends call “happy-go-lucky.”

I don’t know what to think about this newly found revelation of my dense-ity-ness, perhaps I need to take this positively and challenge myself to be more attentive to other people’s feelings.

I tried reasoning with S. about my (now supposedly nonexistent) instinct to notice others anxiety, discomfort and emotions. She thinks otherwise. So, she may be true. Part of me begs to disagree, but maybe that’s just my pride saying I’m far too good to be ignorant.

GAH! I find this so offensive haha! Who wouldn’t? Well, I’ve got to lower my pride. One of the MANY things I need to improve aside from my insecurities, lack of focus (AKA lutang-ness), atbp. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. The pressure to improve. There’s so much to improve, I don’t know where to start! I want to develop my intellect- cause unfortunately, I’m quite slow. And now, I realized that I’m kind of insensitive. Plus the fact that I’m starting to sound insecure now. I need to work on that too. I mean, as a Christian, you need to have FAITH which is the confidence in the hope that you have in Jesus. Paano nila makikita yun kapag ikaw mismo, insecure sa sarili? Yes, I’m lecturing myself now. This is one of the perks of being a follower of Christ: you’ll start to develop a mind like His. (1 Cor. 2:16) It depends on you whether you will follow your conscience or take the other route. Knowing is easy, acting it out is another story.

Message to Self: You know what? calm down, Self. Ayan ka nanaman eh. Kaya ka naman nape-pressure dahil nagre-rely ka lang sa sarili mo. Take a deep breath, take your time and rely on God. You’ll just end up frustrated if you don’t. You’re trying too hard. Surrender mo yan kay Lord and trust that He will finish what he started in you.

Dedicated: To all who struggles with the same anxious thoughts as I do and to those who are simply curious of what’s going on inside my silly head. I hope you’ve learnt something, somehow.

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Reading this post again and again makes me want to laugh at how worrisome I could get (I hope you found it amusing- not annoying), especially about “what the hay could be wrong with me?” 

Anyway, I was searching for some pictures related to ‘being oblivious’ so I could post it here. Nakakatamad kasi basahin ang isang post na walang picture, kaya. So I passed by this one (link to post.) It kind of reminded me of myself. Though in many ways, contradicting. Let me explain. I notice a lot of my own problems and I like involving myself in other people’s problems- cause I want to help. But then again, I purposefully make myself OBLIVIOUS or unaware to certain negative things to keep my emotions at bay. Perhaps that is why I seem so jolly to other people. Happy-go-lucky. Carefree. Because I intentionally avoid drama. I don’t know if I’d have it any other way. I like it when I’m hyper and cheerful. But I guess, I shouldn’t try to let that get in the way of being a caring friend.

Magulo ako. Alam ko. Hahaha sana maka-relate naman yung iba dyan! This is me in the making. Thank you for your effort in reading this lengthy post.

L.O.L (Lots of love),
Dan.