The past few months has been a struggle for me. Realizations, confusion, distractions. It was all too overwhelming, and though it was quite hard to keep it to myself, I managed to. I’ve never been this emotionally drained. I came to the point where all I’ve known and learned (about God and… stuff) just dissipated.
Somehow, I think the root to all this was when I passed by a Youtube video of “Nabeel Qureshi” and his search for truth. After watching his testimony, it felt like everything I thought I knew (about Christianity, in general) wasn’t enough- which it isn’t. It affected me quite positively at first. I was encouraged to learn more about the Bible and study it in a deeper level (but subconsciously leaving out my personal devotion with Jesus.) What struck me wasn’t how Nabeel, a devout Muslim, converted to Christianity. But the fact that seeking the “truth” was so important to him up to the point that he’d actually study the Bible to see for himself- that. Got me.
If Nabeel didn’t seek the truth (despite his faith in Islam), he wouldn’t have known Jesus more intimately. In my mind, it came off as, ‘What if Christianity isn’t true? Will I let myself live life without seeking the truth?‘ This led me to allow myself to become “open minded” to different views, beliefs and religions. As a result, I became more skeptical, doubtful and very confused.
But then again, though there are many people who can prove God’s inexistence, I find it impossible to disprove His existence. All around me, wherever I look, to the right or to the left there will always be a glimpse of God. Love, joy, purpose, creation… from specks of energy? evolution? I don’t think so.
No doubt, this was the most heaviest problem I’ve ever encountered in my whole 16 years of living. I can’t even put a name to it. What is this? All I know is that it is deadly. To doubt the very existence of God, whom I entrust my eternity to is very, VERY scary. Nobody can help me. I’ve never truly agreed to Ephesians 6:12 as I did on that day, “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world…” So, I prayed. There’s nothing much I can do but pray. I prayed a very honest, desperate prayer. More like a plea.
“God, help me to believe.”
At that time, it seemed like I had gone far too deep. But God had answered my prayer (He always does) and now, I am just so overwhelmed with joy! I can’t explain it. He is definitely working in my life, day by day. He’s working in everyone’s lives! In my family’s lives, my friends and it’s just all around me. People may say, “It’s just a coincidence ” or “just pure chance” but man, prayer after prayer after prayer and they’re all answered by pure chance? That’s a whole lot of chances. God answers in ways we cannot explain, ways we cannot see nor comprehend.
Don’t you just get tired of trying to search for answers only to find more questions piling up? I just want to be with Jesus. That’s all I want right now. And the pleasure and satisfaction I get from just being in His presence, can’t compare to anything in the world. And whenever I start to doubt Him, I just tell myself “doubt your doubts.”